A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of politicians.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one politician every hour.
~~~~~~~~~
Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
~~~~~~~~~
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only."
~~~~~~~~~
Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.
Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.
~~~~~~~~~
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Kingfisher -The King Of Good Times
After an international beer conference in London, all the world's top brewery bosses decide to go out for a beer together.
The Chairman of Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, 'The King Of Beers': give me a Budweiser."
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him .
The Chairman of Guiness says, "I'd like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness."
The bartender serves him. The Chairman of Carlsberg says, " I would like the world's best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg."
He gets it.
Vijay Mallaya sits down, looks around and says, "Just give me a Coke."
The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.
The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, "Hey Vijay, how come you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?"
"Listen," says Vijay Mallya, "If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I"
The Chairman of Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in the world, 'The King Of Beers': give me a Budweiser."
The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him .
The Chairman of Guiness says, "I'd like the only beer in the world worth really, truly waiting for: give me a Guinness."
The bartender serves him. The Chairman of Carlsberg says, " I would like the world's best beer, drunk in more countries than any other: give me a Carlsberg."
He gets it.
Vijay Mallaya sits down, looks around and says, "Just give me a Coke."
The bartender looks at him, shrugs, and serves him.
The other brewery bosses laugh loudly and say, "Hey Vijay, how come you aren't drinking a Kingfisher?"
"Listen," says Vijay Mallya, "If you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I"
Sardarji in Delhi
Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Sardarji says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride.
On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder".
Sardarji says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride.
On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder".
Bank robbery
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."
Thursday, May 8, 2008
BLONDE PILOT
A blond is on board a small two- seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies.
Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
"Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams.
Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam.
I'll talk you down, just do as I say.
First, I need you to give me your height and position."
"I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!"
Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
"Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams.
Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam.
I'll talk you down, just do as I say.
First, I need you to give me your height and position."
"I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!"
Innocent Questions
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
***********
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
***********
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
***********
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
***********
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform,
she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
***********
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment,
my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"
***********
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
***********
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
***********
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting , then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."
***********
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother .. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
***********
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. ; ; "What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
***********
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
***********
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
***********
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
***********
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform,
she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
***********
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment,
my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"
***********
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
***********
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
***********
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting , then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."
***********
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother .. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
***********
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. ; ; "What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
Words women use
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
***********
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
***********
Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
***********
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
***********
Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
***********
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
***********
Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
***********
Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
***********
Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
***********
Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!
***********
Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
***********
That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
***********
Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
A Toilet
A Toilet is like a committee meeting.
People come with lot of pressure, sit, create a lot of noise, and ultimately DROP THE MATTER.
~~~~~~~~~
Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?Mrs. Smith: Yes, thirteen.
Groucho: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
Mrs. Smith: Well, I love my husband.Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
~~~~~~~~~
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?Student : Ladies first.
~~~~~~~~~
Wife: Honey...... What are you looking for?Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour...??Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
People come with lot of pressure, sit, create a lot of noise, and ultimately DROP THE MATTER.
~~~~~~~~~
Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?Mrs. Smith: Yes, thirteen.
Groucho: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
Mrs. Smith: Well, I love my husband.Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
~~~~~~~~~
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?Student : Ladies first.
~~~~~~~~~
Wife: Honey...... What are you looking for?Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour...??Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
GM vs Microsoft
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engi! ne.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor! want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately! cause t he car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engi! ne.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor! want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately! cause t he car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Embarrassing Situation
A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,
"Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice :"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says,
"You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly with,"WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. FOR ONE NIGHT ? ! THATS TOO MUCH !"
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,
"Er... excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice :"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says,
"You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly with,"WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. FOR ONE NIGHT ? ! THATS TOO MUCH !"
More fun....
Doctor patient ke peche bhag raha tha.
Ek admi NE pocha kya hua?
Doctor: 4 baar aisa he hua hai sala brain ka opreation karwane aata hai aur baal katwa k chala jata hai.
~~~~~~~~~
Ek sardar roz apne kitchen main jata, sugar box kholta aur band kar deta,Why?
Because Dr. NE Jo kaha tha k apni sugar roz check karna.
~~~~~~~~~
Sardar: yar kal main bathroom gaya to wahan sher tha,
2nd sardar: hain phir tum NE kya kiya?
1st: kuch nahi main NE sher se kaha aap kar lo meri to nikal gai hai.
~~~~~~~~~
Pathan girl friend ko ghar Le gaya,Sab darwaze khirkiyan band kardin,Parde gira diye light off kar k us k pass aya aur kaha : dekho humara watch main light jalta hai.
Ek admi NE pocha kya hua?
Doctor: 4 baar aisa he hua hai sala brain ka opreation karwane aata hai aur baal katwa k chala jata hai.
~~~~~~~~~
Ek sardar roz apne kitchen main jata, sugar box kholta aur band kar deta,Why?
Because Dr. NE Jo kaha tha k apni sugar roz check karna.
~~~~~~~~~
Sardar: yar kal main bathroom gaya to wahan sher tha,
2nd sardar: hain phir tum NE kya kiya?
1st: kuch nahi main NE sher se kaha aap kar lo meri to nikal gai hai.
~~~~~~~~~
Pathan girl friend ko ghar Le gaya,Sab darwaze khirkiyan band kardin,Parde gira diye light off kar k us k pass aya aur kaha : dekho humara watch main light jalta hai.
A STORY OF POSITIVE ATTITUDE
Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"Father : "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"
Next - Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. "
President : "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"Father : "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing,You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"Father : "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"
Next - Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. "
President : "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"Father : "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing,You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive
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